How Can We Live Under A Shadow?

by Amy, posted in Personal

Life has been dark lately. It comes with the time of year I guess. It’s hard to smile when the view from your window is gloomy and overcast. Finding motivation is a constant battle in my head. The struggle is real.

I spent the last month dealing with the death of my mother-in-law. My feelings are all over the place. She was nice, and loved her son and granddaughters dearly, but had a habit of putting me down. Saying things that would cut me deep. I had a hard time the past few years, avoiding the situation rather than confronting it. I never wanted to start a fight, so I took it and kept my mouth shut. Resentment is something that builds and mutates into pain and self-doubt. I believed what she said and it manifested into so much more that is hard to express. I have tried to speak with her in the past. The results were always the same. She would start crying and say she would never say another word ever again. You reach a point where you realize that things will never change. The only thing you can do is walk away. That’s what I did, I separated myself and came around when necessary.

But things changed when she started Hospice. I had to push the pain away and step up because I was the one who handled the difficult situations. And when it came to the end, I stayed. Nothing mattered but making her comfortable. I was there until the end.

But what they don’t tell you, is how hard it is to watch someone take their last breath. There was life and then it was gone.

I thought my feelings over the years would allow me to stay detached. I was wrong. I found myself crying for days over her cat. I was inconsolable. How can I cry over a cat we planned on taking? We already know that we will move into that house in the spring. We visit the cat daily and my husband’s business is there so he is not alone. I go there on my work-from-home days. He is well taken care of. So why was I breaking down so often?

By thinking I could stay detached, I avoided the situation. I ignored the sadness for the loss. So that is where I am now. Trying to deal with my feelings and everything that comes with settling an estate. I have to face my feelings and fears because I believe this comes down to fear. I have to evaluate what exactly is triggering these responses. Why have I gone from a strong person to a weeping mess?

Life is a journey with ups and downs. We can’t hide from ourselves and what we are afraid of. There is no easy path. Some paths seem easy. You don’t see the obstacles because you are too focused on the path rather than the journey.

I need to start paying attention to the journey. It’s hard when you feel as though you have no purpose. The darkness is hovering, threatening to consume. I need to find a light.

Finding Light in Dark Times: A Personal Journey

by Amy, posted in Mental Health, My Truth, Personal

So I haven’t been here in a while. To be honest I am struggling. Chronic pain and depression do not mix. My mind goes to a dark place so quickly anymore that I feel like I am drowning.

How do I post ways to help people when I don’t feel I am worth helping? Am I a hypocrite? I have all of these things I want to say but my throat burns at the thought. The darkness that surrounds me clouds my mind of reason and wraps a blanket around me. There is no warmth, only a false sense of security. But in the moment it feels safe. But it’s a trick, and consciously I know that. It allows the darkness, the emptiness, to pull me further into its trap. I believe what it tells me: I am worthless, no one will listen, no one will care. Don’t fight it.

I can’t catch my breath, it’s too much.

I drag myself out of bed and try to paint a smile on my face. I remind myself that no one cares about my pain, my feelings…me. And that, sadly is what keeps me going. The reminder that when I am gone, no one will notice.

It comes in waves. I have moments of clarity. I know I am not as alone as I feel. The hugs from children are not out of pity but love. That I have the ability to make people laugh. That maybe someone would want to read this, even if it’s only 1 person.

Currently, my eyes are open. I am here. And for that I am grateful.

Take care of yourself.

Stress, yuck!

by Amy, posted in Mental Health

Stress—we can’t live with it, and we can’t live without it. I’m sure that most of us wish that we could. However, stress can be manageable, as hard as it is to believe. Let’s look at stress, how it can affect us, and the healthy ways we can cope.

The manifestation of stress can present itself in many ways that can have profound effects on your mental and physical health.  The American Psychological Association states that “stress involves changes affecting nearly every system in the body, including how people feel and behave” (American Psychological Association (APA), 2018)

Anxiety and irritability are a couple of the emotional responses to stress. If you are diagnosed with a mood disorder, such as depression, stress may intensify your symptoms. Please do not be afraid to contact your therapist or doctor if your mood worsens or affects your daily life.

When you are stressed, concentrating or retaining information may seem harder. According to studies, stress can diminish the brain’s capacity for processing information and solving problems. (Lupien et al.,2009)

Changes in your normal sleep schedule can be affected. Binge eating or undereating are coping mechanisms that are unsafe. These behaviors can result in a feedback loop, creating a vicious cycle. A feedback loop is when you engage in a certain behavior, for example, overeating, and it creates a response, perhaps a feeling of comfort. That response, at the time, may make you feel better, but it only creates more stress and problems.

What can you do to manage stress? It’s important to learn how to deal with stress in the moment and long term.

Find what works for you. Not everything works for everyone. Here are some suggestions:

Meditation: There are many apps dedicated to meditation and relaxation. Breathing techniques can be helpful at the moment. I like binaural beats videos on YouTube. Binaural beats are 2 different frequencies played simultaneously, that trick your brain into thinking it’s one beat. These then create a response in your brain. There is plenty of information about binaural beats, so that may be another post.

Exercise: if you are physically able to exercise is said to be an effective stress reducer. Endorphins, which are a natural mood lifter, are released through exercise. It can improve sleep and improve your mood.  Please consult a physician, especially if you have any physical limitations before engaging in any type of exercise. We don’t want anyone getting hurt.

Healthy living: We all know the general rules of healthy living: a balanced diet, adequate sleep, and exercise. These are important for managing stress. Easier said than done, right? Think of healthy living as the foundation for living the best life you deserve.

So here was a little bit about stress. Do your research, and find what works best for you. There is no quick fix.

Please stay safe.

American Psychological Association. (2018). APA Dictionary of Psychology. American Psychological Association. https://dictionary.apa.org/stress

Lupien, S. J., McEwen, B. S., Gunnar, M. R., & Heim, C. (2009). Effects of stress throughout the lifespan on the brain, behavior, and cognition. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 434-445. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2639

You Deserve Better

by Amy, posted in Mental Health

Sounds cheesy, right? As much as we like to tell ourselves that it’s true, for people with Anxiety and/or depression, that’s a difficult concept to grasp. You know what? Scratch that, this statement is true for, probably, most people. Everyone, no matter who they are, doubts themselves and that is normal.

We can sit on the sidelines and tell someone to just be happy. And let me tell you, we want to be happy, more than you can even imagine. But we have a voice in our head that tells us we will never be happy, we don’t deserve it, and no one will ever love us. That’s a hard thing to imagine.

We walk a fine line between sad and total devastation. Depression can be crippling. It sucks the energy out of you. Getting up and moving, at times, seems like it will be the final crack that will break you into a million pieces. Faking a smile takes so much that you don’t know how you can give any more. You start to feel as though disappearing would be the best thing for everyone.

But as real as all of those, and many more thoughts feel, they aren’t true. We are worthy of love. People do care. Maybe there were people that you had to let go, and walk away from without looking back. As sad as that can be, it was probably for the best. I think of the people that I’m no longer friends with and I honestly don’t think they were my friends. Well, there was one, and sadly she is gone. As often as I think how lonely it is without friends, it is worse to be lonely with friends.

Being alone is hard, but you deserve more. Social media can be bad, toxic, and soul-sucking. People online feel strength in being mean just because no one will know who they are. For those of us who take everything to heart, the internet can be a cruel, cold place. I have found Reddit to be hilarious and Facebook draining. X, formerly Twitter, is cruelty in its finest form. I can’t do it, so I don’t. Youtube is awesome. Yes, there are areas that are toxic but I stay away from those. I have a long history of cute animal videos, cooking shows and BTS. Yes, I am an Army. But before you laugh, they are amazing. They encourage you to love yourself. Which is something foreign to me.

Everything is so negative. The news is filled with war, conflicts, people hating and hurting each other. It’s too much sometimes. How do we cope? We are already dealing with so much pain within ourselves, having to also navigate the political and social negativity in the world can be too much.

Take a breath, turn off the bad stuff and feel the stress leave your body. Listen to music that calms you down, read a book, or watch some funny cat videos. You don’t deserve to feel sad and alone. You need more than the emptiness that threatens to swallow you whole. Find things to do that you can look forward to. If you can’t think of anything, reach out and we can come up with something together.

Take care and stay safe!

Top 10 Favorite Movies

by Amy, posted in Uncategorized

This is something different. This writing prompt showed up on my page so I thought, what the heck. This may get weird, but here we go!

This is in no order

  1. Sound of Music:
    • You can never get enough of Julie Andrews on that mountaintop singing “The Hills Are Alive”. It has everything: humor, drama, heartbreak, and a hopeful ending. The fact that it’s based on a true story makes it even better. And if you can find a theater that shows a Sing-a-long viewing, I highly suggest you go, it’s worth it.
  2. Silent Hill:
    • We are going from one extreme to another. There is nothing soft and fluffy about this film. Based on graphic novels and comics, this movie has since spawned games and a sequel. It’s nothing ultra-violent but it has its moments. I was initially anxious to watch it since Sean Bean stars and doesn’t die! I know! Sean Bean always dies, always.
  3. Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit:
    • Now I could cheat and count each movie and this list would almost be complete. I am a sucker for a Director’s cut, but if you want to binge-watch these, you better be wearing a diaper, have food delivery on speed dial, and drink lots of caffeine. We’re talking about 3 1/2 hours each. That’s about 21 hours baby! Sit back, and immerse yourself in Middle Earth. Biblo only turns 111 once.
  4. Star Wars:
    • Ok, my inner nerd is showing and I don’t care. I am going to be picky about this and go with the original Trinity. You know the ones, a young Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, and Mark Hamil. I was 7 when the first one came out and my brother and I loved it! I still have my tiny Princess Leia doll. (I love that thing) Space! Who doesn’t love it!
  5. Spaceballs:
    • It’s not just because I love Star Wars. Mel Brooks is a genius! If you have not seen it, I cannot help you. Go to therapy. Seriously, any Mel Brooks movie is amazing and I will defend that statement with my life! It’s the ultimate Star Wars spoof and it’s brilliant. Also, I heard they are making a sequel. I’m dead!
  6. The Blair Witch Project:
    • This movie was one of the first “found footage” movies and I think it was really well done. I was hooked. It really stuck with me too. I mean, it freaked me out at the end. You could feel the fear. It’s like watching a movie about the stages of grief. If you like these kinds of movies, I recommend this one.
  7. IT:
    • Stephen King is my all-time favorite author. The original IT was a television mini-series. We’re talking late 80s. There was only so much you could get away with, so personally, it wasn’t my favorite. But when IT came out in 2017, I had to see if it lived up to the novel. Umm… yeah, I would say yes it did. Then IT Part 2, I was blown away. This did the novel justice. And on that note…
  8. Pet Sematary:
    • I’m talking about the original, in 1999. The 90s were a big time for Stephen King movies and I hate to say it, but the books are better. That’s until Pet Sematary. I still cannot believe that the movie looked exactly the way I pictured everything in the book. I’m not lying, it was like they crawled in my brain and took pictures when I read the book. That’s creepy. That would make an awesome book though.
  9. Goodfellas:
    • Who doesn’t love a mobster movie? Ray Liotta, Joe Pesci AND Robert DeNiro! You can’t go wrong. Every time this movie is on, I am watching it. I don’t like the censored version. Hearing Joe Pesci tell someone to go freak their mother, just doesn’t hold the same weight. I need to hear those F-bombs!
  10. Indiana Jones:
    • I’m only going with the first 3. Crystal Skull? No. But I live for the others. Harrison Ford, need I say more? That fight scene in Temple of Doom where the guy gets all fancy with the whip and Indy takes his gun out and shoots him? That was not planned. Harrison Ford was sick and wasn’t feeling a long fight scene. Iconic!

This was fun! And not easy. I love movies so it was hard to whittle it down to 10. And not one chick flick! My mother will be so sad. Sound of Music isn’t a chick flick, it’s a musical. I will fight you on this.

Anyway! Thanks for stopping by. I got a pretty good pep talk today and I am determined to contribute to my page regularly. I know I have said it before, but I have to make a change. It’s my life, and I need to start doing this for me.

Daily writing prompt
What are your top ten favorite movies?
View all responses

Anxiety: Recognizing the Symptoms

by Amy, posted in Mental Health

Many people think that Anxiety and Depression go hand in hand. While it possible to have both, they are completely different disorders.  Anxiety is not one simple thing. It is possible to feel anxious without having anxiety, but it’s better to check with a therapist or Doctor.

So, what do we know about Anxiety? It’s a stress response to something we perceive as dangerous. This is a natural response. I know what you’re thinking, how can something that is a natural response also be a disorder? The difference is the answer to the question, does it interfere with your life? If it’s yes, then you could have chronic anxiety.

Symptoms can vary and can fall into any of the following categories:

  • Behavioral
  • Emotional
  • Cognitive
  • Physical

Behavioral symptoms would include avoiding situations that cause fear and social withdrawal. Restlessness can also occur.

Feelings of impending doom or dread and excessive worry, apprehension, and fear are emotional symptoms.

Having difficulty thinking or incessant negative thoughts are the cognitive effects.

Physical symptoms include stomach and intestinal disorders, rapid heart rate, shaking, and dizziness.

Those with anxiety disorder would greatly benefit from developing coping mechanisms to help. 

  • Therapy is highly successful in learning how to spot negative behaviors and the thoughts behind them. Therapy can provide helpful tools that reduce stress and help keep anxiety at bay. Therapists can help with relaxation techniques. Many affordable meditation and relaxation apps are available.
  • Anti-anxiety medications and antidepressants can help with management of your symptoms.
  • Adopting a healthy lifestyle is a good long-term tool in keeping anxiety symptoms under control. Exercise, diet, and sleep are all good ideas in general, but essential for those suffering from anxiety.
  • Isolation can feed into anxiety. Having a strong support system can greatly benefit. Not everyone has family or friends that they can depend on. There are online support groups. A quick Google search will show you groups in your area or online ones you can join.

Learn what you can about anxiety. Many legitimate online resources exist, but talking with your doctor is the best.

You can always contact SAMSHA, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357.

Take care!

Speak Up!

by Amy, posted in Personal

Be your own advocate. Don’t ever let the opinion of someone, even a medical professional, make you feel less than others. Never give up. Find someone who will listen,, who will help, because they are out there.

Full Disclosure:

I am in my 50s and am overweight, but over the course of 5 years, I have lost over 100 pounds. I have more to go, but that is easier said than done. I recently went to an Orthopedic doctor who, in my mind, doesn’t care about people. You cannot do what you do, day in and day out, and think that it’s ok to treat people like they don’t matter, I don’t care what you do for a living. I have arthritis in my hip that has been bad for 4 years. I have finally decided that I will get some help. He looked at me and said, “You’re too fat for surgery.” That threw me. I hadn’t even asked about surgery. He then quickly followed that with “and a cortisone shot won’t help you because they don’t make a needle long enough to penetrate your fat.” This is not true since it’s on the inside of my hip joint. The final kick was when he said “Oh, and I’m not giving you anything for pain.”

He said this to let me know that I didn’t matter. That being fat equals being less than a human. Now, this is a common occurrence in the outside world. Heavy people are mocked, teased, bullied, and looked down on. For a medical professional, who should understand how difficult it is, to say those things is beyond hurtful. I am not going to lie, I was not good. This took me to a dark place. He might as well have said that I don’t deserve to live because that was how I felt.

So I took a step. I called my regular doctor, who has been less than helpful in the past, and I made an appointment. I had a list of things I have been dealing with. I t him the tests I wanted and I wasn’t taking no for an answer. He said ok. I was shocked that all it took was me standing up and saying what I wanted.

Don’t be afraid. You deserve help, you deserve compassion and you deserve to have someone in your corner.

I am here. I know, not often, but that will change. I have to force myself to come here. This is good for me, and maybe it will help someone else.

Take care.

Some Personal Thoughts

by Amy, posted in Uncategorized

So, this post I just uploaded is about depression, something with which I am very familiar.  This is something I have struggled with for a very long time and it is a lonely life. I have a husband, kids, a good job, pets, and a home, so why do I feel so dark? I don’t have friends which hurts but I know it’s my fault.

I can sit here and list all of the reasons why the world would be better off without me, but if I had to think of just 2 reasons why it wouldn’t I would be stuck for an answer.

I am taking medication and most days it works, but this past week has not been good. Physically I am having some problems and I think that contributes. My mobility is limited which is hard because I worked so hard to lose about 150 pounds and now my hip is bad. Arthritis at the age of 52? I shouldn’t have trouble getting into my car, or getting up off the couch. I want to walk; I want to feel what life is like without pain. I have migraines and daily headaches, now my joints ache like I’m 80.

Pain messes with you. It’s a tough life being in physical pain all the time. I can’t share how I am feeling. I don’t want to feel like I am constantly complaining.

I can’t get anything for the pain. It makes me question why. What is the purpose of a life that is filled with misery?

Sounds like I need to get some help.  Practice what I preach.

Depression and Getting Help

by Amy, posted in Mental Health

Depression is somewhat of a buzzword. People are very quick to self-diagnose themselves as having this disorder.  If you feel as though you may want to harm yourself or have suicidal thoughts, CONTACT A DOCTOR OR MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY IMMEDIATELY.

As a child of the 70s and 80s, no one had depression let alone got treatment for it. You were just sad, or moody. And yes, everyone can experience periods of depression as a result of an event or trauma. But if the feelings are overwhelming, lasting more than 6 months, and/or affect your day-to-day life, please seek the help of a doctor.

There are symptoms you may not even consider a part of depression. So here is a short list:

Problems concentrating

Changes in appetite

Pacing and fidgeting

Difficulty sleeping

Now, this is not all of the possible symptoms. But I don’t believe these to be what people would consider symptoms typical of depression.

Mood changes are prominent but may feel different than normal sadness. These changes may make you feel as if you are being almost consumed by them like you are in a hole that is so deep that there is no escape.

Despite the number of resources available, people just don’t understand what depression is. They may tell you to start feeling grateful for what you have. Maybe they will tell you that your life isn’t as bad as you think, or that you’re just a pessimist. All of which is very helpful (sarcasm).

If you have been experiencing any of these, or any other symptoms that are infringing on your life, please don’t be afraid to get help. You may need medication and that is ok. If you have pneumonia, you would seek medical treatment and no one would bat an eye. Your mental health is important. If you don’t feel as though you would receive support from those around you, then don’t share. You are allowed to take care of yourself without the input of others.

Here are some resources to help you:

988 National Mental Health Crisis Line

       Call or Text 988

       988lifeline.org

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration

       www.samhsa.org

Take care of yourself.

A Change of Pace

by Amy, posted in Uncategorized

When I started this, I thought I had a plan. Plans change, people change and motives absolutely change.

I thought I could make this a site to educate and help people understand mental illness. But my own depression and anxiety pounded into my head that no one would read it.

It’s called different things: self-fulfilling prophecy, karma, manifesting. You get what you put out into the universe. Believe what you want, but it’s been proven time and time again.

So rather than quit, which is what my inner demon would want, I am changing course.

The title of this page is My Life as a Black Sheep. So I will focus on my life and my own struggle, journey, path of trying to get to a better place in my life.

Again, who will read this? I don’t know. I still want to share things about mental illness in a effort to help educate, but maybe having a place to vent, will help me and help someone else.

Here goes nothing!