It’s been 2 weeks since I have gone back to work. Well, I have been working but now I am going back to the office. A temporary hybrid schedule is in place and I don’t understand why it’s so hard. The job is not physically demanding, but it seems to be more emotionally demanding than I remember it. Of course, being a hermit for the past year-plus doesn’t help. After being deprived of human contact outside the immediate family, one would think that would make me anxious to have it. That doesn’t seem the case. Despite the lack of physical activity, home is a nice place to be. It’s safe. If I want to sit around in my P.J.’s all day, I can. But, I have come to see that it’s not healthy. Getting out, as hard as it can be, is beneficial to the psyche. Fresh air cleans out the cobwebs and allows us to appreciate what we take for granted. Being shut away allows the mind to develop all types of insecurities and irrational thoughts. It allows us to look into the life of someone who is truly afraid to leave their home. I can’t imagine that it would be an easy life to live, although the measures put in place by the different stores and food delivery services do give those stuck at home more options.
Facing fears is not easy. How do we take that first step. I tried to explain to my mother about my oldest daughter’s phobia about traveling. How she can’t even think about going too far from home. My mother scoffed and said that was irrational. Well, yes it is. The very definition of a phobia is that it’s an irrational fear. Being told it’s irrational doesn’t make them stop and say “what? That’s it? Hallelujah! I’m cured!!” That’s not how it works. I was told I should force her to travel and she would get over it. I don’t understand the logic with that. In my mind, I would allow my child to make her own decisions. How would someone benefit being forced to do something that created such fear within? I am her mother, I am not in control of her body or her mind.
Growing up I watched as my maternal grandmother, the one who hated me, tried to control every aspect of her children’s and grandchildren’s lives. I never allowed it for myself which is why I never received her approval. When we would go anywhere, my mother had to call her mother to tell her when we left and she would have to call again to let her know when we arrived home. This was completely ridiculous to me. So I think that maybe my mother believes that if I am told to do something I will jump right to it. She should know better. Perhaps she thought that as I grew older I would drop my rebellious side. If so, she has been disappointed.
I don’t know why I went off topic a bit. Maybe I am still adjusting to my outside brain.
I will write again soon. Perhaps I can start delving into the world of psychology a bit. Maybe I will be able to fix me…I doubt it though.
Stay safe.
The Life of a Black Sheep 