Life has been dark lately. It comes with the time of year I guess. It’s hard to smile when the view from your window is gloomy and overcast. Finding motivation is a constant battle in my head. The struggle is real.
I spent the last month dealing with the death of my mother-in-law. My feelings are all over the place. She was nice, and loved her son and granddaughters dearly, but had a habit of putting me down. Saying things that would cut me deep. I had a hard time the past few years, avoiding the situation rather than confronting it. I never wanted to start a fight, so I took it and kept my mouth shut. Resentment is something that builds and mutates into pain and self-doubt. I believed what she said and it manifested into so much more that is hard to express. I have tried to speak with her in the past. The results were always the same. She would start crying and say she would never say another word ever again. You reach a point where you realize that things will never change. The only thing you can do is walk away. That’s what I did, I separated myself and came around when necessary.
But things changed when she started Hospice. I had to push the pain away and step up because I was the one who handled the difficult situations. And when it came to the end, I stayed. Nothing mattered but making her comfortable. I was there until the end.
But what they don’t tell you, is how hard it is to watch someone take their last breath. There was life and then it was gone.
I thought my feelings over the years would allow me to stay detached. I was wrong. I found myself crying for days over her cat. I was inconsolable. How can I cry over a cat we planned on taking? We already know that we will move into that house in the spring. We visit the cat daily and my husband’s business is there so he is not alone. I go there on my work-from-home days. He is well taken care of. So why was I breaking down so often?
By thinking I could stay detached, I avoided the situation. I ignored the sadness for the loss. So that is where I am now. Trying to deal with my feelings and everything that comes with settling an estate. I have to face my feelings and fears because I believe this comes down to fear. I have to evaluate what exactly is triggering these responses. Why have I gone from a strong person to a weeping mess?
Life is a journey with ups and downs. We can’t hide from ourselves and what we are afraid of. There is no easy path. Some paths seem easy. You don’t see the obstacles because you are too focused on the path rather than the journey.
I need to start paying attention to the journey. It’s hard when you feel as though you have no purpose. The darkness is hovering, threatening to consume. I need to find a light.
The Life of a Black Sheep 