Category: My Truth

Finding Light in Dark Times: A Personal Journey

by Amy, posted in Mental Health, My Truth, Personal

So I haven’t been here in a while. To be honest I am struggling. Chronic pain and depression do not mix. My mind goes to a dark place so quickly anymore that I feel like I am drowning.

How do I post ways to help people when I don’t feel I am worth helping? Am I a hypocrite? I have all of these things I want to say but my throat burns at the thought. The darkness that surrounds me clouds my mind of reason and wraps a blanket around me. There is no warmth, only a false sense of security. But in the moment it feels safe. But it’s a trick, and consciously I know that. It allows the darkness, the emptiness, to pull me further into its trap. I believe what it tells me: I am worthless, no one will listen, no one will care. Don’t fight it.

I can’t catch my breath, it’s too much.

I drag myself out of bed and try to paint a smile on my face. I remind myself that no one cares about my pain, my feelings…me. And that, sadly is what keeps me going. The reminder that when I am gone, no one will notice.

It comes in waves. I have moments of clarity. I know I am not as alone as I feel. The hugs from children are not out of pity but love. That I have the ability to make people laugh. That maybe someone would want to read this, even if it’s only 1 person.

Currently, my eyes are open. I am here. And for that I am grateful.

Take care of yourself.

Giving It a Shot

by Amy, posted in My Truth

So, I had big ideas when it came to this blog. I was hoping that eventually, it would get to a place where I didn’t have to work outside of the home. Sadly, my brain had other ideas. No one is going to read this, who do you think you are? And it worked. Every time I thought I would try again, my inner monster pulled me in the opposite direction. And why not listen? They have been with me my entire life. People have come and gone, but that inner monster is always there, letting me know, or rather reminding me, that no one wants to hear my voice. No one thinks I have intelligent thoughts. No one cares about me, so why try? But last night, when sleep is just out of reach and my mind is racing, I decided that I will only fail if I never try. This is not a new concept and I am not claiming it to be. I tell these things to my kids all of the time.

Well, here we go. I am going to make a promise. It’s not going to be easy, and I am going to find excuse after excuse, but I promise to come here at least 2 times a week. Even if what I have to give is minimal. I have to take the steps, I have to give myself a chance because no one else is going to give it to me.

I am going to mess up. I will say things you may not agree with, but I will never tear down a person to make a point. I will never bash someone even if they say harsh things to me. I would like to think that would never happen, but the world is a scary place.

Thank you for stopping by. You will be seeing a lot more of me.

The Black Sheep