Category: Personal

How Can We Live Under A Shadow?

by Amy, posted in Personal

Life has been dark lately. It comes with the time of year I guess. It’s hard to smile when the view from your window is gloomy and overcast. Finding motivation is a constant battle in my head. The struggle is real.

I spent the last month dealing with the death of my mother-in-law. My feelings are all over the place. She was nice, and loved her son and granddaughters dearly, but had a habit of putting me down. Saying things that would cut me deep. I had a hard time the past few years, avoiding the situation rather than confronting it. I never wanted to start a fight, so I took it and kept my mouth shut. Resentment is something that builds and mutates into pain and self-doubt. I believed what she said and it manifested into so much more that is hard to express. I have tried to speak with her in the past. The results were always the same. She would start crying and say she would never say another word ever again. You reach a point where you realize that things will never change. The only thing you can do is walk away. That’s what I did, I separated myself and came around when necessary.

But things changed when she started Hospice. I had to push the pain away and step up because I was the one who handled the difficult situations. And when it came to the end, I stayed. Nothing mattered but making her comfortable. I was there until the end.

But what they don’t tell you, is how hard it is to watch someone take their last breath. There was life and then it was gone.

I thought my feelings over the years would allow me to stay detached. I was wrong. I found myself crying for days over her cat. I was inconsolable. How can I cry over a cat we planned on taking? We already know that we will move into that house in the spring. We visit the cat daily and my husband’s business is there so he is not alone. I go there on my work-from-home days. He is well taken care of. So why was I breaking down so often?

By thinking I could stay detached, I avoided the situation. I ignored the sadness for the loss. So that is where I am now. Trying to deal with my feelings and everything that comes with settling an estate. I have to face my feelings and fears because I believe this comes down to fear. I have to evaluate what exactly is triggering these responses. Why have I gone from a strong person to a weeping mess?

Life is a journey with ups and downs. We can’t hide from ourselves and what we are afraid of. There is no easy path. Some paths seem easy. You don’t see the obstacles because you are too focused on the path rather than the journey.

I need to start paying attention to the journey. It’s hard when you feel as though you have no purpose. The darkness is hovering, threatening to consume. I need to find a light.

Finding Light in Dark Times: A Personal Journey

by Amy, posted in Mental Health, My Truth, Personal

So I haven’t been here in a while. To be honest I am struggling. Chronic pain and depression do not mix. My mind goes to a dark place so quickly anymore that I feel like I am drowning.

How do I post ways to help people when I don’t feel I am worth helping? Am I a hypocrite? I have all of these things I want to say but my throat burns at the thought. The darkness that surrounds me clouds my mind of reason and wraps a blanket around me. There is no warmth, only a false sense of security. But in the moment it feels safe. But it’s a trick, and consciously I know that. It allows the darkness, the emptiness, to pull me further into its trap. I believe what it tells me: I am worthless, no one will listen, no one will care. Don’t fight it.

I can’t catch my breath, it’s too much.

I drag myself out of bed and try to paint a smile on my face. I remind myself that no one cares about my pain, my feelings…me. And that, sadly is what keeps me going. The reminder that when I am gone, no one will notice.

It comes in waves. I have moments of clarity. I know I am not as alone as I feel. The hugs from children are not out of pity but love. That I have the ability to make people laugh. That maybe someone would want to read this, even if it’s only 1 person.

Currently, my eyes are open. I am here. And for that I am grateful.

Take care of yourself.

Speak Up!

by Amy, posted in Personal

Be your own advocate. Don’t ever let the opinion of someone, even a medical professional, make you feel less than others. Never give up. Find someone who will listen,, who will help, because they are out there.

Full Disclosure:

I am in my 50s and am overweight, but over the course of 5 years, I have lost over 100 pounds. I have more to go, but that is easier said than done. I recently went to an Orthopedic doctor who, in my mind, doesn’t care about people. You cannot do what you do, day in and day out, and think that it’s ok to treat people like they don’t matter, I don’t care what you do for a living. I have arthritis in my hip that has been bad for 4 years. I have finally decided that I will get some help. He looked at me and said, “You’re too fat for surgery.” That threw me. I hadn’t even asked about surgery. He then quickly followed that with “and a cortisone shot won’t help you because they don’t make a needle long enough to penetrate your fat.” This is not true since it’s on the inside of my hip joint. The final kick was when he said “Oh, and I’m not giving you anything for pain.”

He said this to let me know that I didn’t matter. That being fat equals being less than a human. Now, this is a common occurrence in the outside world. Heavy people are mocked, teased, bullied, and looked down on. For a medical professional, who should understand how difficult it is, to say those things is beyond hurtful. I am not going to lie, I was not good. This took me to a dark place. He might as well have said that I don’t deserve to live because that was how I felt.

So I took a step. I called my regular doctor, who has been less than helpful in the past, and I made an appointment. I had a list of things I have been dealing with. I t him the tests I wanted and I wasn’t taking no for an answer. He said ok. I was shocked that all it took was me standing up and saying what I wanted.

Don’t be afraid. You deserve help, you deserve compassion and you deserve to have someone in your corner.

I am here. I know, not often, but that will change. I have to force myself to come here. This is good for me, and maybe it will help someone else.

Take care.

Will it get easier?

by Amy, posted in Personal

“The laid schemes of mice and men often go awry” Source: To A Mouse by Robert Burns

There are variations of this quote with the most well-known being “The best-laid plans of mice and men”. However, you want to say it, the meaning remains, that we plan, or plot and scheme, but something happens to derail that goal. This is what happened to me.  I have planned, plotted, and worked on this site, but…well, you know the rest.

I thought I would start this with grief. At some point in our life, we have grieved. It’s not just the loss of people, but animals (pets), divorce, children leaving home, loss of a job, anything that is a big change in your life.

About 2 months ago, my beautiful, hyper yellow lab developed a cough. We took him to the vet and concluded it was not kennel cough since he was never around other dogs. Laryngeal paralysis was the diagnosis. This means that the folds in the larynx collapsed. He was put on medication and within 6 days he seemed fine. The cough never came back but he changed. He was lethargic and seemed to not want to eat unless it was something hand-fed. I was more than happy to hand feed him chicken, which worked, for a while. Then he was eating less each day and finally stopped. I looked up the medication and these were side effects, so I called the vet just to make sure. I was floored at the diagnosis. X-rays showed that he had an enlarged heart, was in kidney failure, critically anemic and his white blood count was through the roof. I asked how that all happened in a matter of weeks. He said that this heart disease is called the silent killer. They are fine until they aren’t.

We were given options, immediate hospitalization with at least 1 blood transfusion and flushing of kidneys. I asked if this would, not fix him, but at least get him back to a livable condition. He said there was a high chance he wouldn’t survive the procedures and if it were him, he would put him down. Shock is putting it mildly. I called my kids and husband and told them to come right away. I was willing to pay the money for the procedures, we all were, but I didn’t know how I would live with myself if he passed, and he was alone. I’m crying now just thinking about it. It’s hard when a pet cannot verbalize how he/she is feeling. This decision is not one to be made lightly. He was 6 years old. He shouldn’t be dealing with this.

As, I am sure, you can guess, we allowed our pup to have peace. It’s been about a month and a half without him and it’s hard. This is the 3rd dog I have had to put down in my life and it’s never easy. It’s so hard to not make the selfish decision.

I wanted to make this post separate from the one I am doing about grief. I wanted to share my story without chasing people away with a long read. tl:dr (too long, didn’t read)