Category: Uncategorized

So, this post I just uploaded is about depression, something with which I am very familiar.  This is something I have struggled with for a very long time and it is a lonely life. I have a husband, kids, a good job, pets, and a home, so why do I feel so dark? I don’t have friends which hurts but I know it’s my fault.

I can sit here and list all of the reasons why the world would be better off without me, but if I had to think of just 2 reasons why it wouldn’t I would be stuck for an answer.

I am taking medication and most days it works, but this past week has not been good. Physically I am having some problems and I think that contributes. My mobility is limited which is hard because I worked so hard to lose about 150 pounds and now my hip is bad. Arthritis at the age of 52? I shouldn’t have trouble getting into my car, or getting up off the couch. I want to walk; I want to feel what life is like without pain. I have migraines and daily headaches, now my joints ache like I’m 80.

Pain messes with you. It’s a tough life being in physical pain all the time. I can’t share how I am feeling. I don’t want to feel like I am constantly complaining.

I can’t get anything for the pain. It makes me question why. What is the purpose of a life that is filled with misery?

Sounds like I need to get some help.  Practice what I preach.

When I started this, I thought I had a plan. Plans change, people change and motives absolutely change.

I thought I could make this a site to educate and help people understand mental illness. But my own depression and anxiety pounded into my head that no one would read it.

It’s called different things: self-fulfilling prophecy, karma, manifesting. You get what you put out into the universe. Believe what you want, but it’s been proven time and time again.

So rather than quit, which is what my inner demon would want, I am changing course.

The title of this page is My Life as a Black Sheep. So I will focus on my life and my own struggle, journey, path of trying to get to a better place in my life.

Again, who will read this? I don’t know. I still want to share things about mental illness in a effort to help educate, but maybe having a place to vent, will help me and help someone else.

Here goes nothing!

It’s been 2 weeks since I have gone back to work. Well, I have been working but now I am going back to the office. A temporary hybrid schedule is in place and I don’t understand why it’s so hard. The job is not physically demanding, but it seems to be more emotionally demanding than I remember it. Of course, being a hermit for the past year-plus doesn’t help. After being deprived of human contact outside the immediate family, one would think that would make me anxious to have it. That doesn’t seem the case. Despite the lack of physical activity, home is a nice place to be. It’s safe. If I want to sit around in my P.J.’s all day, I can. But, I have come to see that it’s not healthy. Getting out, as hard as it can be, is beneficial to the psyche. Fresh air cleans out the cobwebs and allows us to appreciate what we take for granted. Being shut away allows the mind to develop all types of insecurities and irrational thoughts. It allows us to look into the life of someone who is truly afraid to leave their home. I can’t imagine that it would be an easy life to live, although the measures put in place by the different stores and food delivery services do give those stuck at home more options.

Facing fears is not easy. How do we take that first step. I tried to explain to my mother about my oldest daughter’s phobia about traveling. How she can’t even think about going too far from home. My mother scoffed and said that was irrational. Well, yes it is. The very definition of a phobia is that it’s an irrational fear. Being told it’s irrational doesn’t make them stop and say “what? That’s it? Hallelujah! I’m cured!!” That’s not how it works. I was told I should force her to travel and she would get over it. I don’t understand the logic with that. In my mind, I would allow my child to make her own decisions. How would someone benefit being forced to do something that created such fear within? I am her mother, I am not in control of her body or her mind.

Growing up I watched as my maternal grandmother, the one who hated me, tried to control every aspect of her children’s and grandchildren’s lives. I never allowed it for myself which is why I never received her approval. When we would go anywhere, my mother had to call her mother to tell her when we left and she would have to call again to let her know when we arrived home. This was completely ridiculous to me. So I think that maybe my mother believes that if I am told to do something I will jump right to it. She should know better. Perhaps she thought that as I grew older I would drop my rebellious side. If so, she has been disappointed.

I don’t know why I went off topic a bit. Maybe I am still adjusting to my outside brain.

I will write again soon. Perhaps I can start delving into the world of psychology a bit. Maybe I will be able to fix me…I doubt it though.

Stay safe.

Thanks for asking! I know, no one is reading this yet, so I asked.

When you think of a black sheep, you envision someone who doesn’t fit in, the one who no one wants to really be around. That’s how I view myself. I have gone through my life trying to be, in my mind, what people wanted me to be. Funny, easy going, a good listener and whatever else fits the situation. This started because from a very young age I thought everyone hated me. Don’t get me wrong, I can be likable, but it’s after getting to know me that most realize that I’m not worth it. I’m too loud, too big and too stupid to be worth the trouble.

I seek approval, desperately. It’s kind of pathetic. I don’t know what my insecurities are based on, but a lot of it has to do with my family. I have relatives who do not like me. You could ask any member of my family who their favorite it and I would bet you 1 million dollars that no one would say me. I have always felt alone. I had never finished college so my parents had nothing to brag about, other than my brother, who is perfect FYI.

As I have gotten older, when my kids were in school, I tried to find a group of friends who would like me and whose kids got along with mine. I thought I found them and for a while I was…happy? Maybe the better word would be content. I was warned by someone that I better not let them see the real me, because they wouldn’t like it. Let me tell you, that was comforting. After this revelation, I started to drift to the background. It was then I could see that they didn’t like me so much as put up with me. They went from talking about me behind my back to saying hurtful things to my face. I probably deserved it, why I thought I could fit in was beyond me. I decided I didn’t want any friends. I couldn’t be rejected if no one was there to do it.

So I was alone, save my immediate family, and in a job I didn’t like because the boss was an ass. By this time, I was in my 40’s, no friends, a crap job and no education. I did decide to go back to school. For 3 1/2 years I worked and took 3 classes a semester, including summers. I finally finished, with a 4.0 GPA. So now I am 50 and I feel empty. I know I shouldn’t but I do.

I think I started this more for me. A safe space for me to express myself but maybe help others. Eventually, I want this site to be my job. I want to dedicate my time to helping others who feel as I do. I’m not here to cure anyone or try to claim that I will. I just want to give people a place to go. We can laugh, cry, vent but most important, we can belong. We don’t have to be lonely.

That’s my hope at least.

Thanks for reading! ~Amy

P.S. Here’s a pic of my dog. Don’t mind him, he’s loco.

Hello! This is my first post and I’m a bit nervous. Who wouldn’t be. Looking around the online world, it can be a lot. Will anyone ever see this? I hope so. Will anyone gain anything from this? It would be nice.

So let me introduce myself. I am Amy. I am in my 50’s, married for almost 27 years and I have 2 kids. I recently graduated from college with my Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Sociology. I thought this would be a good place to use that knowledge.

**DISCLAIMER** – I am NOT a licensed therapist. While I am working toward that, this blog is for information only. I am willing to help anyone on a non-professional level, but you should always seek the advice of your Doctor, Therapist, etc… rather than self-diagnose from the internet. We all know the pitfalls of trying to lookup symptoms on the internet (and if you haven’t, don’t). If you feel that you need help in anyway, there are resources available. If you plan to harm yourself, stop and call 911. Reach out, there is always someone who is going to help you.

Now that I got the heavy-lifting out of the way…. This is going to be more than just an information blog. I love to cook so I may, at times share recipes. I will, to the best of my ability, categorize posts in such a way that makes it easy to find.

So that’s all for now! Hope to see you soon