Grief: why we react the way we do

by Amy, posted in Mental Health

Grief is a natural, if not painful, part of life. There are many emotions we experience when it comes to loss. Everyone grieves in a different way. You hear that, but what does it mean? Is there a specific way we are supposed to process our feelings? No, but maybe this will help you understand why you react the way you do.

For the sake of this blog, I am going to focus on the grief from death.

There are five stages of grief. If you Google this, you will find the number varies from 5 up to 12. Each stage can probably be broken down into more specific sub-stages, but we are going to focus on 5.

Know that these stages are not like a 12-step program. You don’t have to spend a particular amount of time on one and then move to the next. You could possibly remain in one stage while another is experiencing multiple stages at once. It is entirely possible that you do not encounter every stage. This is a personal journey.

My uncle died suddenly this past year and his wife moved down near my mom, it was her brother. She was worried that my aunt was not dealing with the loss. Mika, whose name was changed to protect the innocent, said to my mom “well, last night I think I cried for the first time since he passed. It looks like I finished that step.”

I find it important to stress that there is no order to this. It’s not pass/fail. It’s about coping, processing, and understanding why you are experiencing these issues.

  • Denial and Isolation

Denying loss is a natural reaction. When something bad happens, we don’t want to believe it. We may become so steadfast in our feelings that we choose to avoid people. Comfort is not always welcome because that means you have to come to terms with it. Most who offer comfort are doing so because they truly want to help. If you aren’t ready, then this gesture of goodwill can cause you pain.

  • Anger

This usually follows denial because once we have come to terms with the loss we are hurt. Hurt can become anger because we feel that the loss is not fair. Why did this have to happen? Could I have done something? The anger may not be toward yourself. Doctors are questioned if they could have done more. Many are angry at Higher Power; or however, you believe.  Why did they have to take your mother, grandfather, friend, pet? It’s easy to blame someone or something that cannot be confronted.

  • Bargaining

Have you ever cried out for something bad to happen to you rather than your loved one? “Take me instead!” This stage may happen before their death.  You are not in control and bargaining may be a way to get control back.

  • Depression

This is when the realization hits. We finally allow ourselves to feel the pain and the sadness. This is normal and is not to be confused with clinical depression. We will discuss that soon, but if you feel down to the point that it’s affecting your daily life and occurs for more than 6 months, please see a doctor. It is important that you understand that sadness is normal. If you don’t know, please contact your doctor or therapist.

  • Acceptance

You have finally come to terms with the loss. There is no time limit for grief. You may have accepted the loss but that does not mean that you are “over it”. Milestones often bring waves of grief: first birthday, Christmas, anniversary, and/or any other special occasion. Time heals all wounds as they say. The pain lessens, but not your love. I still cry sometimes when I think of my grandmother, and she died 27 years ago.

Before you freak out and say, “I didn’t feel anger (or sadness or bargaining)!” remember that there is no set order. If you feel that you cannot cope with a loss on your own, please reach out to someone. If you want, email me, remember that I am not a licensed therapist.

So that concludes this post. (My first actual post! Yay me!) I hoped that I gave you some information that you can use to help yourself, or someone close to you. And just know that if you reach out to someone to help and they are not receptive, it may mean that they are not ready to accept it. Don’t give up. Just do a quick “Hey, I’m just checking in to see how you are doing.”  It will mean more than you know.

Will it get easier?

by Amy, posted in Personal

“The laid schemes of mice and men often go awry” Source: To A Mouse by Robert Burns

There are variations of this quote with the most well-known being “The best-laid plans of mice and men”. However, you want to say it, the meaning remains, that we plan, or plot and scheme, but something happens to derail that goal. This is what happened to me.  I have planned, plotted, and worked on this site, but…well, you know the rest.

I thought I would start this with grief. At some point in our life, we have grieved. It’s not just the loss of people, but animals (pets), divorce, children leaving home, loss of a job, anything that is a big change in your life.

About 2 months ago, my beautiful, hyper yellow lab developed a cough. We took him to the vet and concluded it was not kennel cough since he was never around other dogs. Laryngeal paralysis was the diagnosis. This means that the folds in the larynx collapsed. He was put on medication and within 6 days he seemed fine. The cough never came back but he changed. He was lethargic and seemed to not want to eat unless it was something hand-fed. I was more than happy to hand feed him chicken, which worked, for a while. Then he was eating less each day and finally stopped. I looked up the medication and these were side effects, so I called the vet just to make sure. I was floored at the diagnosis. X-rays showed that he had an enlarged heart, was in kidney failure, critically anemic and his white blood count was through the roof. I asked how that all happened in a matter of weeks. He said that this heart disease is called the silent killer. They are fine until they aren’t.

We were given options, immediate hospitalization with at least 1 blood transfusion and flushing of kidneys. I asked if this would, not fix him, but at least get him back to a livable condition. He said there was a high chance he wouldn’t survive the procedures and if it were him, he would put him down. Shock is putting it mildly. I called my kids and husband and told them to come right away. I was willing to pay the money for the procedures, we all were, but I didn’t know how I would live with myself if he passed, and he was alone. I’m crying now just thinking about it. It’s hard when a pet cannot verbalize how he/she is feeling. This decision is not one to be made lightly. He was 6 years old. He shouldn’t be dealing with this.

As, I am sure, you can guess, we allowed our pup to have peace. It’s been about a month and a half without him and it’s hard. This is the 3rd dog I have had to put down in my life and it’s never easy. It’s so hard to not make the selfish decision.

I wanted to make this post separate from the one I am doing about grief. I wanted to share my story without chasing people away with a long read. tl:dr (too long, didn’t read)

It’s About Trust

by Amy, posted in Mental Health

Mental Health has been brought to a place where we are able to have an open and honest dialogue. When I was a kid in the ’70s, you didn’t have depression, you were moody. ADHD or ADD was not a thing, you had too much sugar. Today we are able to recognize that there be something more than just being down, or going from an extreme high to the lowest of lows. The problem is we don’t have all of the facts.

People are quick to “self-diagnose” or label someone based on a small amount of information. There was a girl where I work and people loved to say that she was bi-polar. “Oh, watch out! I think she’s off her meds”. These labels, while on the surface, are not viewed as hurtful but they can be. How many times have you called someone crazy? Think about it. It’s a lot, isn’t it. Everyone does it. We need to take a step back from using mental illness as a blanket label.

The most important thing, when getting help for mental illness is trust. You must have complete trust in your doctor, your therapist, or any medical professional you go to see. You need to be comfortable with being honest about your feelings. Don’t hold back. Don’t be afraid. Trust has to be present or it will make things worse for you.

Here’s an example. For years, I have had depression, anxiety, and migraines. What a lovely bunch of coconuts! I had doctors who I trusted and got the help I needed. Time has passed, doctors have moved on and now I have one that I do not trust. He doesn’t listen to me. He has been my doctor for years and still doesn’t believe that I have migraines. I have a headache every day of my life, and when I have a migraine, it can last for weeks. I get all types, overall throbbing, sharp “ice-pick” headaches, left side, right side, both sides. I am sensitive to lights, smells, heat accompanied by nausea and occasional vomiting. Fun, right? To this day, he doesn’t get it. I ask for pain medication and he tells me to go to the ER for a shot of Demerol. I go to work, I live my life and I am in pain. Sadly I have come to accept the fact that he will never help me. So why don’t I find a new doctor? I have no answer. What if the new one is worse, but what if they aren’t? I avoid going to the doctor. I don’t get better because I don’t get the help I need.

Learn from my mistakes! If you are afraid to mention something you don’t understand or a new feeling that you are unsure about, seek help. You cannot diagnose yourself, you can’t treat yourself and most importantly, you are not weak for getting help.

I have a degree in Psychology and am working toward my Master’s Degree, but I am NOT a therapist. I want to help, but I cannot treat you. Call a Doctor, meet a therapist. And if you don’t like them, find another. If you need help, I will do my best to support you.

One more thing, if you or anyone you know talks of harming themselves please call the National Suicide Hotline, 800-273-8255. Trust yourself enough to get help.

This is a safe space.

Talk to you soon!

The Black Sheep

Giving It a Shot

by Amy, posted in My Truth

So, I had big ideas when it came to this blog. I was hoping that eventually, it would get to a place where I didn’t have to work outside of the home. Sadly, my brain had other ideas. No one is going to read this, who do you think you are? And it worked. Every time I thought I would try again, my inner monster pulled me in the opposite direction. And why not listen? They have been with me my entire life. People have come and gone, but that inner monster is always there, letting me know, or rather reminding me, that no one wants to hear my voice. No one thinks I have intelligent thoughts. No one cares about me, so why try? But last night, when sleep is just out of reach and my mind is racing, I decided that I will only fail if I never try. This is not a new concept and I am not claiming it to be. I tell these things to my kids all of the time.

Well, here we go. I am going to make a promise. It’s not going to be easy, and I am going to find excuse after excuse, but I promise to come here at least 2 times a week. Even if what I have to give is minimal. I have to take the steps, I have to give myself a chance because no one else is going to give it to me.

I am going to mess up. I will say things you may not agree with, but I will never tear down a person to make a point. I will never bash someone even if they say harsh things to me. I would like to think that would never happen, but the world is a scary place.

Thank you for stopping by. You will be seeing a lot more of me.

The Black Sheep

Life In The Real World Is Hard

by Amy, posted in Uncategorized

It’s been 2 weeks since I have gone back to work. Well, I have been working but now I am going back to the office. A temporary hybrid schedule is in place and I don’t understand why it’s so hard. The job is not physically demanding, but it seems to be more emotionally demanding than I remember it. Of course, being a hermit for the past year-plus doesn’t help. After being deprived of human contact outside the immediate family, one would think that would make me anxious to have it. That doesn’t seem the case. Despite the lack of physical activity, home is a nice place to be. It’s safe. If I want to sit around in my P.J.’s all day, I can. But, I have come to see that it’s not healthy. Getting out, as hard as it can be, is beneficial to the psyche. Fresh air cleans out the cobwebs and allows us to appreciate what we take for granted. Being shut away allows the mind to develop all types of insecurities and irrational thoughts. It allows us to look into the life of someone who is truly afraid to leave their home. I can’t imagine that it would be an easy life to live, although the measures put in place by the different stores and food delivery services do give those stuck at home more options.

Facing fears is not easy. How do we take that first step. I tried to explain to my mother about my oldest daughter’s phobia about traveling. How she can’t even think about going too far from home. My mother scoffed and said that was irrational. Well, yes it is. The very definition of a phobia is that it’s an irrational fear. Being told it’s irrational doesn’t make them stop and say “what? That’s it? Hallelujah! I’m cured!!” That’s not how it works. I was told I should force her to travel and she would get over it. I don’t understand the logic with that. In my mind, I would allow my child to make her own decisions. How would someone benefit being forced to do something that created such fear within? I am her mother, I am not in control of her body or her mind.

Growing up I watched as my maternal grandmother, the one who hated me, tried to control every aspect of her children’s and grandchildren’s lives. I never allowed it for myself which is why I never received her approval. When we would go anywhere, my mother had to call her mother to tell her when we left and she would have to call again to let her know when we arrived home. This was completely ridiculous to me. So I think that maybe my mother believes that if I am told to do something I will jump right to it. She should know better. Perhaps she thought that as I grew older I would drop my rebellious side. If so, she has been disappointed.

I don’t know why I went off topic a bit. Maybe I am still adjusting to my outside brain.

I will write again soon. Perhaps I can start delving into the world of psychology a bit. Maybe I will be able to fix me…I doubt it though.

Stay safe.

Life After Quarantine

by Amy, posted in Uncategorized

When this whole COVID fiasco started, the thought of working from home seemed like a chore. Many questions came to the forefront. How could we possibly be productive with all of distractions of home? What will my bosses think of my ability to work, seemingly, unsupervised? How many days can I go without a shower? (ok, that last one was mine.) But the time away showed us that we can be productive. Juggling kids, pets, work and all of the other hundreds of things that can happen in a day, seemed daunting. I know at times I felt like I was drowning. Time rolled on and we adapted.

Now that most, if not all restrictions are being lifted, we find ourselves going back into the office. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to go back. I like being at home: waking up 15 minutes before I have to start, having my cat decide that yes, she is allowed to love me and if I don’t feel 100%, I don’t have to worry about how I deal with it in the office. Going back is stressing me out! Big time!! I go back tomorrow and I don’t want to. I feel like physically going into the office is going to break me. Why do I feel like that? I don’t have agoraphobia, fear of leaving the house, so what is it? Maybe I don’t want to feel like I am living under a microscope. But that’s not fair. I have my own office and my managers are very lenient. So what is it?

I’m not alone in this thinking. Just Google “I don’t want to go back to the office after COVID-19” and you will see 1,800,000,000 results. Over 1 BILLION! How do we allow ourselves to feel comfortable outside of home when outside has been a foreign place for over a year?

I am willing to take suggestions.

What do you think? What are your fears as the world tries to slip back into being “normal”? There are no stupid answers.

Wish me luck! ~

P.S. I can’t leave out my cat, she will probably try to eat me in my sleep if I do. You’re welcome.

So…Who Am I? The Hard Truth.

by Amy, posted in Uncategorized

Thanks for asking! I know, no one is reading this yet, so I asked.

When you think of a black sheep, you envision someone who doesn’t fit in, the one who no one wants to really be around. That’s how I view myself. I have gone through my life trying to be, in my mind, what people wanted me to be. Funny, easy going, a good listener and whatever else fits the situation. This started because from a very young age I thought everyone hated me. Don’t get me wrong, I can be likable, but it’s after getting to know me that most realize that I’m not worth it. I’m too loud, too big and too stupid to be worth the trouble.

I seek approval, desperately. It’s kind of pathetic. I don’t know what my insecurities are based on, but a lot of it has to do with my family. I have relatives who do not like me. You could ask any member of my family who their favorite it and I would bet you 1 million dollars that no one would say me. I have always felt alone. I had never finished college so my parents had nothing to brag about, other than my brother, who is perfect FYI.

As I have gotten older, when my kids were in school, I tried to find a group of friends who would like me and whose kids got along with mine. I thought I found them and for a while I was…happy? Maybe the better word would be content. I was warned by someone that I better not let them see the real me, because they wouldn’t like it. Let me tell you, that was comforting. After this revelation, I started to drift to the background. It was then I could see that they didn’t like me so much as put up with me. They went from talking about me behind my back to saying hurtful things to my face. I probably deserved it, why I thought I could fit in was beyond me. I decided I didn’t want any friends. I couldn’t be rejected if no one was there to do it.

So I was alone, save my immediate family, and in a job I didn’t like because the boss was an ass. By this time, I was in my 40’s, no friends, a crap job and no education. I did decide to go back to school. For 3 1/2 years I worked and took 3 classes a semester, including summers. I finally finished, with a 4.0 GPA. So now I am 50 and I feel empty. I know I shouldn’t but I do.

I think I started this more for me. A safe space for me to express myself but maybe help others. Eventually, I want this site to be my job. I want to dedicate my time to helping others who feel as I do. I’m not here to cure anyone or try to claim that I will. I just want to give people a place to go. We can laugh, cry, vent but most important, we can belong. We don’t have to be lonely.

That’s my hope at least.

Thanks for reading! ~Amy

P.S. Here’s a pic of my dog. Don’t mind him, he’s loco.

Who I Am and Why I’m Here

by Amy, posted in Uncategorized

Hello! This is my first post and I’m a bit nervous. Who wouldn’t be. Looking around the online world, it can be a lot. Will anyone ever see this? I hope so. Will anyone gain anything from this? It would be nice.

So let me introduce myself. I am Amy. I am in my 50’s, married for almost 27 years and I have 2 kids. I recently graduated from college with my Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Sociology. I thought this would be a good place to use that knowledge.

**DISCLAIMER** – I am NOT a licensed therapist. While I am working toward that, this blog is for information only. I am willing to help anyone on a non-professional level, but you should always seek the advice of your Doctor, Therapist, etc… rather than self-diagnose from the internet. We all know the pitfalls of trying to lookup symptoms on the internet (and if you haven’t, don’t). If you feel that you need help in anyway, there are resources available. If you plan to harm yourself, stop and call 911. Reach out, there is always someone who is going to help you.

Now that I got the heavy-lifting out of the way…. This is going to be more than just an information blog. I love to cook so I may, at times share recipes. I will, to the best of my ability, categorize posts in such a way that makes it easy to find.

So that’s all for now! Hope to see you soon