Tag: Grief

How Can We Live Under A Shadow?

by Amy, posted in Personal

Life has been dark lately. It comes with the time of year I guess. It’s hard to smile when the view from your window is gloomy and overcast. Finding motivation is a constant battle in my head. The struggle is real.

I spent the last month dealing with the death of my mother-in-law. My feelings are all over the place. She was nice, and loved her son and granddaughters dearly, but had a habit of putting me down. Saying things that would cut me deep. I had a hard time the past few years, avoiding the situation rather than confronting it. I never wanted to start a fight, so I took it and kept my mouth shut. Resentment is something that builds and mutates into pain and self-doubt. I believed what she said and it manifested into so much more that is hard to express. I have tried to speak with her in the past. The results were always the same. She would start crying and say she would never say another word ever again. You reach a point where you realize that things will never change. The only thing you can do is walk away. That’s what I did, I separated myself and came around when necessary.

But things changed when she started Hospice. I had to push the pain away and step up because I was the one who handled the difficult situations. And when it came to the end, I stayed. Nothing mattered but making her comfortable. I was there until the end.

But what they don’t tell you, is how hard it is to watch someone take their last breath. There was life and then it was gone.

I thought my feelings over the years would allow me to stay detached. I was wrong. I found myself crying for days over her cat. I was inconsolable. How can I cry over a cat we planned on taking? We already know that we will move into that house in the spring. We visit the cat daily and my husband’s business is there so he is not alone. I go there on my work-from-home days. He is well taken care of. So why was I breaking down so often?

By thinking I could stay detached, I avoided the situation. I ignored the sadness for the loss. So that is where I am now. Trying to deal with my feelings and everything that comes with settling an estate. I have to face my feelings and fears because I believe this comes down to fear. I have to evaluate what exactly is triggering these responses. Why have I gone from a strong person to a weeping mess?

Life is a journey with ups and downs. We can’t hide from ourselves and what we are afraid of. There is no easy path. Some paths seem easy. You don’t see the obstacles because you are too focused on the path rather than the journey.

I need to start paying attention to the journey. It’s hard when you feel as though you have no purpose. The darkness is hovering, threatening to consume. I need to find a light.

Grief: why we react the way we do

by Amy, posted in Mental Health

Grief is a natural, if not painful, part of life. There are many emotions we experience when it comes to loss. Everyone grieves in a different way. You hear that, but what does it mean? Is there a specific way we are supposed to process our feelings? No, but maybe this will help you understand why you react the way you do.

For the sake of this blog, I am going to focus on the grief from death.

There are five stages of grief. If you Google this, you will find the number varies from 5 up to 12. Each stage can probably be broken down into more specific sub-stages, but we are going to focus on 5.

Know that these stages are not like a 12-step program. You don’t have to spend a particular amount of time on one and then move to the next. You could possibly remain in one stage while another is experiencing multiple stages at once. It is entirely possible that you do not encounter every stage. This is a personal journey.

My uncle died suddenly this past year and his wife moved down near my mom, it was her brother. She was worried that my aunt was not dealing with the loss. Mika, whose name was changed to protect the innocent, said to my mom “well, last night I think I cried for the first time since he passed. It looks like I finished that step.”

I find it important to stress that there is no order to this. It’s not pass/fail. It’s about coping, processing, and understanding why you are experiencing these issues.

  • Denial and Isolation

Denying loss is a natural reaction. When something bad happens, we don’t want to believe it. We may become so steadfast in our feelings that we choose to avoid people. Comfort is not always welcome because that means you have to come to terms with it. Most who offer comfort are doing so because they truly want to help. If you aren’t ready, then this gesture of goodwill can cause you pain.

  • Anger

This usually follows denial because once we have come to terms with the loss we are hurt. Hurt can become anger because we feel that the loss is not fair. Why did this have to happen? Could I have done something? The anger may not be toward yourself. Doctors are questioned if they could have done more. Many are angry at Higher Power; or however, you believe.  Why did they have to take your mother, grandfather, friend, pet? It’s easy to blame someone or something that cannot be confronted.

  • Bargaining

Have you ever cried out for something bad to happen to you rather than your loved one? “Take me instead!” This stage may happen before their death.  You are not in control and bargaining may be a way to get control back.

  • Depression

This is when the realization hits. We finally allow ourselves to feel the pain and the sadness. This is normal and is not to be confused with clinical depression. We will discuss that soon, but if you feel down to the point that it’s affecting your daily life and occurs for more than 6 months, please see a doctor. It is important that you understand that sadness is normal. If you don’t know, please contact your doctor or therapist.

  • Acceptance

You have finally come to terms with the loss. There is no time limit for grief. You may have accepted the loss but that does not mean that you are “over it”. Milestones often bring waves of grief: first birthday, Christmas, anniversary, and/or any other special occasion. Time heals all wounds as they say. The pain lessens, but not your love. I still cry sometimes when I think of my grandmother, and she died 27 years ago.

Before you freak out and say, “I didn’t feel anger (or sadness or bargaining)!” remember that there is no set order. If you feel that you cannot cope with a loss on your own, please reach out to someone. If you want, email me, remember that I am not a licensed therapist.

So that concludes this post. (My first actual post! Yay me!) I hoped that I gave you some information that you can use to help yourself, or someone close to you. And just know that if you reach out to someone to help and they are not receptive, it may mean that they are not ready to accept it. Don’t give up. Just do a quick “Hey, I’m just checking in to see how you are doing.”  It will mean more than you know.